THE TALK
by phantomoftheopera111
Summary: Story 44. Selina gives Tim the talk of his life.


Ehhh, this could be funnier... but it was at the point of my writing career... "career"... when I chickened out when it came to anatomical terms. *coughpeniscough*

Anywho. Hope someone likes this... I don't... XD

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THE TALK

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Tim sighed and looked off the roof on Wayne Manor, "Do we really have to be all the way up here?"

"Would you rather be inside so you can be mocked by Dick?" Selina asked.

Tim sighed, "I guess not."

"Alright."

Tim looked up at the sky; the only light was the moon and the stars.

Selina looked at Tim, "Why haven't you had this talk yet?"

"I dunno. Bruce doesn't really talk about this stuff, Dick doesn't want to, with Alfred it's just… weird, this is the topic the teachers don't discuss at school."

"Huh."

"Where'd you learn it?"

"Some boys I went to high school with."

"Huh."

"Hey you two," Bruce grinned jumping near Selina and Tim.

"Hey Bruce," Selina smiled giving him a kiss.

"Do you want me to stay up here?" Bruce asked.

"If you have better things to do, go for it."

"Alright, but before I go, Tim I want to give you something."

"Is it to make up for all my birthdays you missed?" Tim asked hopefully.

"What? No."

"Damn."

Bruce handed Tim an ice pack and a refrigerated Diet Coke.

"What the hell…" Tim muttered taking the objects.

"If you are anything like Dick, you are gonna need these."

"Uh… thanks?"

Selina laughed and patted Bruce's leg.

"I'm gonna go," Bruce nodded.

"See ya later," Selina smiled.

"You gonna be in bed soon?"

"Yeah. Depends on how long this talk takes."

"Alright, night Tim."

"Night Bruce," Tim gave him a wave.

Bruce jumped back down and headed inside.

Tim looked at the frozen things.

Selina smiled and looked at the sky, "Alright what do ya wanna know?"

"What's up with these ice packs and cold sodas?"

Selina laughed, "You know about anatomy right?"

"Possibly yeah."

"You know male parts from female parts?"

Tim blushed, "Yeah."

"Alright, you know their functions?"

"Maybe."

"What is it?"

"To make babies?" Tim asked.

"Uh… yeah you could say that."

"So…?"

Selina sighed, "I'm gonna be frank with you kiddo."

"Alright…" Tim muttered.

"When Dick was younger, about your age, when boys see pretty girls they get… excited… you know what the male part does when it gets excited right?"

"Yeah. I overheard Dick and Babs talking one night."

Selina blinked, "Right… so anyways, when boys do the "excited" thing someone found out if you take a cold shower it usually helps it… go down."

"Huh?" Tim asked.

"When you get excited cold things get your body back to normal."

"Oh."

"Mhmm. So when Dick was your age Bruce used to put ice packs and cold sodas on him."

Tim laughed, "No way!"

"Yeah… Dick had problems handling things…"

"I'm not letting him live that down."

"Soon, you will have that problem."

"Say what!"

"Yep. You will have to carry an ice pack to family picnics and when you see Power Girl or Wonder Woman you will have Bruce shove a cold soda on your crotch."

Tim whimpered, "Damn it."

"What else?"

"Why does Bruce say your name in the bathroom?"

Selina gaped at Tim, "WHAT!"

"Yeah, when he has a long day he goes to the bathroom and tells me not to disturb him or else he will kick me out of the house. Once in awhile I'll be in my room and I'll hear him say your name."

"Uh…"

Tim looked at her, "You said you'd answer my questions."

"Ok, ok. So you know what Dick does right?"

"Dick does a lot of things."

"Ok, so when Dick gets bored he goes to the bathroom and does the "special" guy thing?"

"Uh… yeah?"

"Well, that's what Bruce does. But instead of looking at porn I guess he… thinks of… me. Ew."

"Ew," Tim muttered in disgust, "I thought only young guys do it."

"No, most guys still like to do that."

"Does Alfred do it?"

"Uh… I don't know."

"Hmm…"

"Just don't ask him."

"Why?" Tim asked.

"Because I don't want him to find out I'm the one who is teaching you this crap," Selina replied.

"Psha."

"Well, most boys have this talk with their dad and because Bruce isn't too good at this I'm giving it to you."

"My adopted dad's girlfriend?"

"Exactly."

"Cool."

"Right…" Selina mumbled, "Cool. Anything else?"

"Umm…"

"You can ask me anything."

"How do you have sex?"

"Woah…"

"You said you'd answer anything."

"Damn it. Right. Ok. So what do you mean?"

"How do you do it?"

"Ok… Bruce would kill me if I used us as an example. So I'll try to think of someone else…"

"Ok."

"So… the man and woman usually want to go and… have sex, so they decide to and they take off their clothes then the man can be on top or on bottom, usually the stronger person in bed decides. So then they… they um, have sex."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"Who is the stronger person in bed with you and Bruce?"

"Bruce would say it is him. It's me though."

"Oh... nice."

"You know about STDS and AIDS right?"

"Yep."

"How about pregnancy."

"Yep."

"Condoms?"

"Maybe."

"You put them on your male parts and have sex. They protect you… kind of. Well, most of the time."

"Ok."

"Birth control?"

"Maybe."

"Pills women take to prevent pregnancy."

"Ok."

"Date rape?"

"Uh…"

"Perverted guys who want to get laid really bad so they slip pills into girls' drinks, they get drugged, then they get raped."

"Date rape."

"Exactly, it is bad. Don't do it."

"Good lesson."

Selina smiled, "I'm sure you'll be smart."

Tim smirked, "Probably smarter than Dick."

"Possibly."

"He and Babs have sex."

"I know."

"How do they do it though?"

"Same way as any one else."

"Yeah, but Babs is paralyzed below the waist."

"Well, she doesn't feel anything, Dick does though."

"So what, Dick does all the work?"

"Pretty much," Selina shrugged.

"Huh," Tim mumbled.

"You know it is bad to poke holes in condoms right?"

"Yes I know."

"Are you going to do it?"

"Nah. Unless I want to have a younger brother."

"If you poke any holes in Bruce's condoms I will shoot you, then make you the legal father of my baby."

"But I don't want to be a dad yet."

"Too damn bad."

Tim moped and swung his foot.

"Anything else you want to know?" Selina asked.

"I don't think so…"

"You know about periods?"

"Yeah… From Dick bitching about Babs."

"Abstinence?"

"Yeah, and it's a good thing."

"Your school did a good job brain washing you."

"…thanks."

"Is that is?"

"I heard from a kid that drinking soda can… lower my… uh sperm count."

Selina blinked, "That's like the first actually correct word we've used all night."

Tim smiled, "Yeah."

"I'm proud of you. I still can't say some anatomical words around my friends. It makes me feel creepy. And no, it can not lower your count. It is supposedly just a myth."

"Ok."

"You all good?"

Tim smiled and nodded, "Yeah."

"Alright. Awesome."

Tim gave Selina a hug, "Thanks for talking about this with me."

"No problem kid."

Tim got up, "So can I go to bed now?"

Selina checked her phone for the time, "Yeah. It's late and I'm tired."

Tim got up, "Thanks."

"No problem. Happy to do it."

Tim yawned, "Alright, I'm going to bed."

"Wait before you go," Selina dug around in her pocket and pulled out a condom. She handed it to Tim.

Tim sighed, "Really?"

"Yes."

"You're giving me a condom?"

"What? You want a flavored one?"

"What!"

"Yeah. I think Harley gave me a strawberry one…" Selina dug around in her pocket.

"No, that's ok," Tim murmured taking the condom.

"Better safe than sorry," Selina smiled.

"I heard from Dick who heard from Bruce that you guys had a scare a month back."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. You thought you were pregnant."

Selina nodded, "Yeah."

Tim nodded to the condom, "Better safe than sorry."

Selina rolled her eyes, "Bed. Now."

FIN


End file.
